Anxiety does not always look like worry or panic. For some men, it may show up as irritability, trouble sleeping, working longer hours, withdrawing from others or even physical symptoms like stomach problems and headaches. The variety of symptoms can make anxiety difficult to detect, particularly for men who have learned to keep uncomfortable emotions or bodily discomfort to themselves.
Jorge Mendoza, a licensed professional counselor with Memorial Hermann Employee Wellness, says anxiety is a normal human emotion. However, there is a point where it can cross the line from normal to abnormal. One way to determine that line is by looking at your life and asking yourself this: Once a stressful situation has resolved, can I move on or does the emotion stick around and interfere with everyday life?
“There is a difference between typical human anxiety and clinical anxiety. The first is triggered by everyday stressors. This kind runs its course and does not disrupt your function, whereas clinical anxiety can lead to a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorders, social anxiety or separation anxiety that causes significant disruption to your life,” Mendoza says.
Understanding how anxiety can present differently in men may make it easier to recognize when everyday stress has become something that deserves more attention.
Why Anxiety Can Be Harder to Recognize in Men
There is no single way that men experience or respond to anxiety. Personality, upbringing, culture and generation can all influence how comfortable a man might feel expressing difficult emotions. Mendoza says that while progress has been made in teaching boys and young men to be more emotionally aware, many men are still at odds with the expectations they grew up with: that being strong means remaining independent, self-reliant and in control.
For some, expressing emotions like fear, sadness or insecurity or the need for comfort may conflict with what they have been taught masculinity should look like. “Many men experience pressure to only express socially acceptable emotions, which tend to be very simple emotions like happiness and anger,” Mendoza explains. “Sadness gets buried, or, on the other hand, you can only express that sadness because your sports team lost or a major life event happened. There often isn’t room for middle-of-the-road emotions.”
Mendoza says that it’s common for men to push down the more vulnerable emotions; men typically don’t really talk with other men about how they are truly feeling. However, that should not be taken to mean that every man will struggle to talk about his emotions. But here’s the reality: If a man has spent years, including the important, informative years, internalizing difficult feelings, he may not immediately recognize anxiety for what it is.
Signs of Anxiety in Men
When emotions are repressed, anxiety will eventually surface. It just may not be in a way we would anticipate.
“When men keep their emotions bottled up, those emotions begin to fester,” Mendoza says. “And all of a sudden, those emotions of vulnerability, like sadness or insecurity, manifest as irritability, withdrawal or even outbursts of anger.”
Some men may also turn to alcohol or other risky habits to self-soothe. Others may become more argumentative, controlling or demanding as they try to regain a sense of control. Physical symptoms can be another clue: Anxiety can contribute to insomnia, gastrointestinal problems and other physical discomfort, especially when a man does not consciously identify what he is experiencing as anxiety.
Another sign is when an ordinary stressor begins triggering a much larger cycle of worry. Mendoza compares it to a “hamster wheel that keeps getting faster.”
A nail in a tire, for example, is frustrating and may create legitimate concern about an unexpected expense. But anxiety can quickly turn that one problem into worries about vacation savings, upcoming bills, job performance, a raise and other unrelated concerns. “That level of escalation is like the speed of a hamster wheel,” Mendoza offers. “The wheel begins to spin faster and faster, ultimately losing control.”
When the original problem is long gone but your mind continues jumping from one potential threat to another, consider it a sign that anxiety is driving the response.
Some Men Feel Pressure to Always Perform
The things that trigger anxiety can also reflect cultural expectations surrounding masculinity. For men raised with more traditional ideas about gender roles, Mendoza says this group may be more likely to experience significant pressure to provide financially, succeed professionally, remain independent and demonstrate bravery even when they are struggling.
“Men often experience an internal pressure to be the provider,” Mendoza says. “This is a very specific pressure, too, where men feel that they must be financially and professionally successful. Not doing so can cause the feeling of failure, as though they let down their family or themselves by failing to accomplish their perceived role.”
That pressure can sometimes contribute to what is commonly called “high-functioning anxiety,” where someone may appear successful from the outside while being driven by a constant, internal worry. “With high-functioning anxiety, people struggle to see that there is a problem because this kind of anxiety tends to produce results,” Mendoza explains. “The individual who experiences this kind of anxiety is the type to never miss a meeting or drop a ball.”
Such behaviors may even be rewarded at work. The person who is always available, works long hours and never misses a deadline may be viewed as exceptionally dedicated. It’s very possible that someone experiencing high-functioning anxiety can thrive in one area yet have anxiety take its toll elsewhere, be that in personal relationships or through physical symptoms. “Anxiety will always demand more,” Mendoza says. “It presents an overarching feeling that whatever you’re doing is just not enough.”
For someone who feels uncertain or anxious in his personal life, work may be the one place he feels competent and in control. Putting in more hours can temporarily provide relief while allowing the underlying anxiety to remain unaddressed. Mendoza says that the two A’s(avoidance and anxiety) go hand in hand.
When Is It Time to Get Help for Anxiety?
You do not need to know whether you have an anxiety disorder before asking for help. You do not even need to know exactly how to describe what you are feeling.
The first step, according to Mendoza, is much simpler: “Admit to yourself that something feels wrong,” he says. “You don't need to know what it is. You don't need to have the perfect words for it. But you do need to admit to yourself that something feels wrong.”
From there, consider telling someone you trust. That could be a spouse or partner, family member or close friend. Mendoza recommends choosing someone you respect and trust, and especially someone who will recognize that you are being vulnerable. You want to reach out to someone who will not immediately turn the conversation into a joke.
You also do not have to begin the conversation by declaring that you have anxiety. Saying something as simple as “life has been really hard” can open the door to a fruitful conversation.
Once another person knows what you are experiencing, the struggle is no longer something you must carry entirely by yourself. “Shame feeds off of secrecy,” Mendoza says.
Strength Can Look Different
If anxiety is interfering with your relationships, sleep, work or everyday life, professional support can help. Finding a therapist can feel overwhelming, particularly if you have never been to counseling. Mendoza recommends starting with a basic search for therapists in your area. You can narrow your options to professionals who specialize in anxiety, men's issues or another area that feels relevant to what you are experiencing.
Most importantly, do not put pressure on yourself to choose the perfect therapist. It can take some trial and error to find the right therapist, and it’s normal to have to try a few before finding the right person. Mendoza says taking the first step, going to that first appointment, is key. “You don't have to commit to anything beyond that,” he says. “You don't have to commit to six months of treatment; just commit to the first appointment.”
A strong relationship between a therapist and patient is an important part of successful treatment. If the first therapist you try does not feel like the right fit, that does not mean therapy will not work for you.
“You tried it? Good,” Mendoza says. “Now you can keep looking. Just because you didn’t find the right therapist on your first try doesn't mean you should stop looking,” Mendoza advises.
Treatment can also help you develop what Mendoza calls regulation skills. Rather than simply swallowing difficult emotions, you can learn to recognize when your nervous system is becoming overwhelmed and use strategies that bring the intensity down. Working with a professional can help you build competence and confidence and give you a resource for strategies that can help you face difficult emotions head-on rather than bury them.
Seeking help for anxiety does not require giving up your independence or changing who you are, but it may mean reconsidering what strength looks like. “Regardless of what you were taught a man should be, you get to decide the type of man you want to be,” Mendoza says.
Being willing to acknowledge difficult emotions can have an impact beyond your own mental health. Fathers, mentors and other influential men have an opportunity to model a healthier relationship with emotions for younger generations.
“It's an opportunity to not just heal yourself but also become a healthier model of what manhood can be,” Mendoza says. “Being more open with yourself emotionally does not mean that you're weakening your masculinity.”
