It’s normal to feel a bit nervous in certain social settings; almost all of us feel it at one point or another. But for some, social anxiety goes far beyond butterflies in the stomach. It can be experienced as a persistent fear that interferes with daily life—everything from speaking up in meetings to attending a casual gathering. Social anxiety is often misunderstood, and many people don’t know where the line is between general shyness and something more serious.
“When talking about social anxiety, it’s important to make a distinction: There's social awkwardness and then there's the more clinical social anxiety disorder, which is more of a diagnostic term,” says Jorge Mendoza, LPC, a licensed professional counselor and program therapist with Memorial Hermann. “Social anxiety is a chronic feeling of unease, uncertainty and overall distress during social interactions. Someone who has social anxiety will be in their head and worried about what others think of them, which makes it hard to be present in the moment with the person they’re talking to.”
Mendoza shares how to better understand what social anxiety is, how it shows up in everyday life and what steps you can take to start feeling more grounded and confident in social situations.
Is It Awkwardness or Anxiety?
While social anxiety is often confused with social awkwardness, Mendoza makes a clear distinction between the two. “Think of social awkwardness as a few grains of rice and social anxiety as a silo of rice,” he says. “You can hold a few grains in your hand. You might think, ‘Okay, I can find a way to maneuver this.’ But the silo? Well, how do you hold the contents of a silo when its capacity can overwhelm a crowd of people? Of course, you feel underequipped to tackle what the silo has to offer.”
Social anxiety can result in both physical and mental symptoms. Mendoza says that some of the common physical symptoms include sweaty palms, trembling, digestive issues and shallow breathing. “For some people, a social interaction feels more like an interrogation than a casual chat,” he explains. “You might feel like you have to answer everything perfectly at the risk of messing it all up.”
Additionally, Mendoza points out that social anxiety can cause “irrational thoughts” or “thinking traps,” including:
- Mindreading: Assuming you know what someone else thinks about you
- Emotional reasoning: Believing that because you feel anxious, you must be in danger
- Maximizing and minimizing: Expecting the worst from mistakes and downplaying your successes
- All-or-nothing thinking: Believing you must come across as perfect—or you’ve failed
Mendoza explains that the challenge with anxious thoughts is that they often start with a small truth that then gets blown out of proportion. “Let's say you're meeting people for the first time in a very pivotal meeting,” he says. “You feel that you have only one chance to make a first impression—and that's the grain of truth. However, for someone with social anxiety, that grain gets distorted into irrational beliefs—like thinking any slip-up will affect them forever, which just isn’t true.”
Tips for Coping with Social Anxiety
When anxiety strikes, it can feel like your body and brain are both working against you. Mendoza says the first step in gaining control is to start with the body, not the mind.
- Regulate Your Physical Symptoms First
“I always tell my clients to regulate their physical symptoms first,” Mendoza says. “If your body feels or is interpreting this anxiety as some sign of danger, you're going to experience shallow breathing.”
The trick, Mendoza explains, is learning to breathe in a way that calms the body and does not escalate symptoms. “Try to breathe diaphragmatically,” he offers. “People say, ‘Well, of course I'm breathing. I'm never not breathing,’ but they tend to be chest breathing. And the chest breathing will aggravate their anxiety symptoms.”
To breathe diaphragmatically, try a technique like box breathing: (1) inhale for four seconds, (2) hold breath in the diaphragm for four seconds, (3) exhale via the mouth for four seconds, (4) repeat. Mendoza says that doing this “sends the signal to your body that says: ‘I am in distress but I'm not in danger.’”
- Turn Down the Temperature, Then Acknowledge Your Thoughts
Once the physical symptoms are acknowledged and handled, Mendoza says it’s time to bring your “temperature” down. If you're at an eight, try to get to a six on a scale of one to 10. From there, it becomes easier to address the mental side of anxiety.
“Cooling your temperature makes it easier to bring light to the irrational thoughts that you’re having,” he says. “Remember: Irrational thoughts will disguise themselves as rational, so you need a cooler temperature to better evaluate them.”
Once the body starts to calm down, it becomes easier to challenge unhelpful thoughts. Mendoza recommends asking yourself: Is this specific to me or could this happen to anyone? “Social awkwardness happens to everyone,” he says. “The more you recognize that, the less power those irrational thoughts have over you.”
He also emphasizes the importance of self-compassion. “If you believe you’re the only one who struggles, you will feel isolated. But when you remember that others feel the same way, it can connect you with people rather than separate you from them,” he says.
- Don’t Let Avoidance Win
Mendoza explains that when a person feels anxious, they want to stamp out that feeling, and the easiest way to do this is to avoid the triggering behavior. However, he cautions against retreating from social opportunities just because they may be uncomfortable.
“Discomfort alone is not the problem: everyone can experience a little social awkwardness,” he explains. “What you need to challenge is the avoidant piece, because if you avoid social situations, you're never going to build up those skills. In fact, your social anxiety will only worsen the more you avoid social situations.”
It may be time to talk to a professional if you’ve attempted coping strategies on your own but find that avoidance is still impacting your ability to function, your quality of life or your ability to make connections. “When you stop reaching out to your social circle or give up on trying to form new ones, that’s a red flag,” Mendoza says.
Avoiding anxiety-inducing situations might offer short-term relief, but over time, it shrinks your world. Try setting healthy boundaries—not rigid walls. “Boundaries are about recognizing your threshold,” Mendoza says. “If you’re having a panic attack in the parking lot, maybe just driving by the bar where there’s a company happy hour is a win. But you don’t want to always run away from discomfort. That’s where professional help can really make a difference.”
Working with a therapist can help you create a plan to gradually face your fears while you build resilience. Mendoza suggests breaking things down into small, manageable steps. “The hope is that the distress doesn't become such a factor in your life that it prevents you from doing the things you want to do,” he says.
Moving Forward
Social anxiety doesn’t have to define your life. Whether you’re feeling awkward at a party or paralyzed in a meeting, support is available—and progress is possible. Start small, give yourself permission to grow and don’t hesitate to ask for help.
Most importantly, Mendoza says working with social anxiety is an important exercise in self-compassion. “Suppose even the worst things you think about yourself are true—which, of course, they are not,” he says. “That doesn't mean that you're not worthy of healthy, loving connections. You must realize that you are still a decent person. You are still worthy.”
