Sibling rivalry is one of the most common concerns of parents, especially in households with younger children. When family time is dominated by arguing, it can feel exhausting to exist together. But did you know that conflict between siblings is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong?
Kimberly Simmons, Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor (LCSW-S) and a behavioral health clinician with Memorial Hermann, says rivalry itself is not the issue. “Conflict isn’t the problem; how the conflict is handled is what really matters,” she explains.
Rather than suggesting that parents try to eliminate sibling quarrels altogether, Simmons encourages them to shift how they respond to outbursts.
What Sibling Rivalry Often Looks Like
In her work with children and families, Simmons has seen sibling rivalry show up in ways you’d expect. “What I see most often are behaviors like arguing or tattling, or children competing for attention and/or validation from parents,” she says.
For many children, feeling unseen is the reason the most common misbehaviors arise. When a child has a strong bond with a parent and feels ignored, they tend to act out, often at the expense of their sibling. Fortunately, Simmons has some advice and practices that a caregiver can adopt to help mitigate conflict among siblings.
Referee vs. Coach
One of the most common patterns Simmons notices with sibling rivalries is parents stepping into the role of referee. “When parents become the judge of who’s right and who’s wrong, it can make the problem worse,” Simmons notes. “Instead, a parent really needs to embrace the role of being more of a coach for their children.”
In a coaching role, a parent can shift their focus from deciding who is at fault to helping the agitated children understand what they are feeling. “Try to help your child identify what upset them and name their emotions,” she says. “Make it clear that it is okay for them to have feelings like jealousy or anger. Yet, on the other hand, reinforce that behaviors like storming out or slamming doors are not acceptable.”
By collaborating and coaching your children, you will help them be able to not only identify the emotions they are feeling but also figure out how to cope with those emotions in healthy ways.
Pause Before Stepping In
Another important shift for parents to learn is when to intervene. “Parents feeling like they have to fix every fight can sometimes backfire,” Simmons says.
When adults step into a conflict among children, they rob their kids of an opportunity to learn to work through it. Instead, she encourages parents to pause before stepping in to help—and if they do, to do so with the mindset of a coach.
By slowing down and observing children’s interactions, parents can learn to step in only when it’s really needed. “Take that moment and wait a beat,” she explains, “then help your child slow down and name what they’re feeling. Teach them how to cope with those feelings. Maybe walking away or doing something physical like jumping jacks could help them calm down. Or it could help them to focus on breathing or to grab a pillow and yell loudly into it!”
It may take some trial and error to find the right solutions for your child, but that’s what coaches do.
Protecting the Parent-Child Connection
Sibling rivalry often intensifies when children worry about losing attention. Simmons stresses the importance of setting their minds at ease by establishing that you love them. “Consistently reassure your children that you’re not divvying up your love between them,” she says. “Be sure to tell them that you love both the child and their siblings more than they could ever possibly imagine.”
That reassurance matters because kids need to know that love is freely given, not something that they have to earn or compete for with their siblings. One strategy to drive this message home is to spend one-on-one time with each child. “That focused, one-on-one time does matter, and there are some simple ways to give that individual time,” Simmons says. “For example, walking the dog with one child on Wednesdays and with the other child on Thursdays can make a meaningful difference,” she adds.
Avoid Comparisons and Labels
Even well-meaning comments can fuel rivalry. Simmons cautions parents against comparisons, which are often stated with good intentions but result in unintended tension.
One example is saying that one child is good at sports while the other is good at math. Both children have received a compliment about their strengths, so it may sound balanced, but Simmons explains that praise given in this manner can land differently with kids and make them feel inferior.
Instead of labeling children, describe what you notice about their effort, interests and growth. This helps them feel valued for who they are and not how they measure up to their sibling. For instance, affirm each child by saying, “I can tell you’re working really hard,” or “You’ve been practicing and it shows.”
Simmons’ advice is clear. “Just avoid the comparison overall,” she says.
When Sibling Rivalry Is More Than Typical
While most sibling conflict is developmentally normal, some behaviors warrant closer attention. Simmons says parents should be concerned about frequent physical harm, especially if they feel they cannot safely leave their children alone.
Persistent verbal cruelty is another red flag. “Very severe name-calling or if one of the children is genuinely afraid of the other can signal deeper issues,” she says. “This category of behaviors edges into the danger zone and is a good signal that it may be time for professional guidance.”
Even then, situations that warrant counseling aren’t always going to involve the most severe forms of sibling rivalry. Simmons notes that it’s acceptable for parents to raise their hand and ask for help on how to better coach their kids. “Emotional-focused counseling can help parents become more aware of the feelings that their child is having,” she says.
Counseling for children can help them learn alternatives to harmful behavior from someone who isn’t their parent, and it lets them know they’re not abnormal for experiencing emotions like jealousy and anger.
In many cases, siblings work with separate therapists; the family may also meet together. “Therapy is beneficial in so many ways for everyone involved,” Simmons says, “especially when there are concerns about emotional or physical safety.”
A Final Perspective for Parents
Simmons encourages parents to view sibling rivalry through a wider lens. “Most of the time, sibling rivalry is just your kids practicing how to ‘do’ relationships,” she says. “These early conflicts are actually opportunities to learn how to ‘do life’ with each other.”
With guidance, those moments can become foundational. What kids learn from encountering and resolving early conflicts with siblings can shape communication and emotional coping skills for the rest of their lives. By slowing down, naming emotions and staying intentional, parents can help turn their children’s rivalry into growth.
